A Year of Suffering

So far this year I have spent a lot of time upset about my racing, questioning my ability, and doubting my future with this sport. Last year I was racing collegiate, doing well, and feeling confident about successes and chance at making the next step to the professional level. It seems as though that jump has been a bit bigger than I expected. Here's a run down of why I have been feeling this way...

-Callville Bay Stage Race-legs have never felt worse in my life, dropped in the road race, barely made it back on. Could not do a single thing in the crit.
-San Dimas- got dropped on the second day. Was riding in a group of ~10 but completely bonked w/ 1 to go. Time cut by 8 min or so but the group I had been with all made it through to the next day-awesome.
-Redlands-Dropped, caught on, flatted, caught on at base of KOM, dropped, rode alone for 2 hrs, time cut by 6 minutes...another race I did not finish.
-Sea Otter Crit: Dropped after 5 laps and lapped before the finish.
-Sea Otter RR: Dropped 2nd time up climb out of 6 laps... finished dead last.
-Sea Otter Circuit: Cramped ~1/2 way through, could not finish.
-Wente RR: felt good, felt good, felt good, just kidding. Dropped half way through....again.

Hmm....I'm seeing a pattern here.

After every race I was so depressed. After Redlands I spent an hour crying on the phone to Louise about how I should quit the sport, I am no good at it, blah blah blah. I am trying now to turn that around and focus on the positives of each race. Instead of getting upset that I got dropped in the Wente RR I reflected about how I was smart and sat first 10 wheels the whole time until I got dropped. I watched the right people (Shelley Evans and Olivia Dillon both of PBandCO 2012), I simply didnt have the legs when the move went. I will get there though. They have like 10 years on me.

I am now working on my climbing and trying to stay focused. I quit my job at Starbucks and am slowly making the move down south which is doing heaps for my mental health. Positive thoughts. Everyone has bad seasons... this is just a year of suffering with lots of growing pains as my teammate Jenna Kowalski would say. Looking for something positive to come out of this year...

Me racing at the Santa Cruz Criterium after Sea Otter.
Photo Credit: Steven Woo