Uncertainty

Today is the day that I paid off my student loans. I feel like I should be more excited, but the means through which I was able to remove my debt leave me rather sad. A friend always tells me if you can pull one positive out of every negative you're doing alright. Well, this is my positive from my dad's death... but it doesnt make me feel alright. It makes me feel almost guilty that I am benefiting from his passing. Not a good way to feel. Not at all.

I am trying to figure out my life as best I can, and the first real step is finding a place to live. After being a vagrant for the past 6 months or so, I am thrilled to be looking for a permanent place to call my own. Though, it is proving a bit more complicated than I had hoped. Its never easy when more than two people are looking to move in together, but five makes it a free for all. I know it will all work out, but it seems like I'm looking at another 6 weeks of squatting when I was hoping for 4 at the most. I feel like I cant get on with my life because I'm simply stuck in limbo. Things like buying groceries are even challenging due to moving houses so frequently and I'm tired of feeling out of place everywhere I stay. Nothing is mine, and no matter how hospitable everyone is, I still feel as though I dont belong.

And then there's training. I get frustrated at my lack of directional ability and I get so anxious about getting lost that I never really ride besides a simple out and back-which is getting quite boring. I also dont really have anyone near me to ride with which makes it even more difficult. I know my team's motto is "ditch the excuses" and I try to, but I cant seem to ditch the anxiety. I miss Santa Barbara where I know the roads well enough that I can explore and still have faith that I'll find my way home.

I really dont know what I'm doing with anything at the moment. Job is up in the air, living situaition is undecided, training.. well, what training? I just need something solid to hold on to, something to center myself around. Gotta keep searching......